eBay ... may it roast in hell.

Anyone who has worked within a large company knows that the, ahem, help desk is rarely any help at all when things get technical. But I know they mean well, which is something, I guess. A case in point. I recently opened a help desk ticket when I mistakenly corrupted the network configuration of my corporate laptop, which by the way, for security and support reasons is locked down pretty tight -- otherwise I would simply fix these things myself. I was told to sit tight and a support rep would be flown in from Boston in four days to help me. Pointing out the obvious was futile ... oh yeah, remember they *mean* well. Anyway, one comes to expect this type of thing when it comes to customer service.

That being said, however, one can usually call their support agent and at least speak with a human being when issues are too complex or hard to communicate over e-mail alone. eBay, on the other hand, with a recently reported market cap in excess of 53 billion dollars does not have a phone number one can call for a little love in a time of crisis.

So, when I came up with a technical issue with my account on eBay, where could I turn? Then I noticed the "Live Help" feature. Wow, great. No more waiting days for a personally addressed yet completely dispassionate, unhelpful e-form letter response that comes, if ever, much too late for the party. Using the community discussion forums to try to reach someone behind the Chinese Wall eBay has erected that actually knows how things work has historically been pretty pointless too. Since the forums are by necessity text based, one has to spend extra time to craft a request describing an issue in clear, succinct, accurate terms, which is no mean feat for complex technical problems. So, you spend hours crafting that perfect message and send it off only to hear this. Using "Live Help", I could actually speak with someone, or so I thought.

Click on the Live Help button any you see a little friendly cartoony face with a feigned greeting "How may I help you?". To top it off, when you get a connection to an agent, it's much like a dialog with the Castle Prefect. Their suggestions for how to overcome web site issues invariably come down to reboot your computer (which thankfully disconnects you from the help session), clear the cache, delete cookies, enable cookies, turn off your virus protection, Internet security and firewall while accessing the page in question. Has any thought been given to how absolutely insane doing most of these things actually is? Any web site that requires you do access their site while you are completely exposed is, albeit arguably, somewhat badly designed I would think. The upshot? These guys are no help either, sweet little cartoony faces, syrupy greetings and all.

I must say I am completely impressed by what a ridiculously absurd practice eBay offers in the name of customer support. With the introduction of Live Help, eBay's customer service policy is now the bellwether in corporate impersonality, all the while masquerading beneath a cooingly narcissistic dialog of "Community". It would be hard to imagine a more brilliantly crafted. completely ineffective help desk strategy -- if it wasn't so bloody annoying, it would actually be downright hilarious.

Hello eBay ? ... my name is K.